M Borders: Pity Party Anyone?!

M Borders: Pity Party Anyone?!: "I'm just going to get straight to the point tonight and ask, how many pity parties does one have to have in a day to feel normal?! Or as clo..."

Pity Party Anyone?!

I'm just going to get straight to the point tonight and ask, how many pity parties does one have to have in a day to feel normal?! Or as close to normal as one gets. Is anybody ever really normal? What is normal exactly?? I'm also sure that facebook-ers get tired of hearing how (I) feel!! Sometimes it feels the only way to get my frustration out is to vent it! Our (our in general) husbands prolly wonder why in the world must we cry over....well that's just it...i dont know why i gotta cry so much today!! Maybe its just backed up!! You know like no tears in a while! Either way I feel like im looking for a fight- if thats what you call it- ive just got to bite someones head off to feel better! i guess thats the way of women, and most of all i hate feeling this way. i dont think anybody wakes up and saids, hummm...i think i will be a grouch today. Nope, I'm mostly a cheery person. I seriously hope i wake up tomorrow in my (normal) cheery mood! I know my husband and kids would be happy if i did!!! Goodnight all, and sweet dreams, and hopefully i wake up to (normal) tomorrow!!
Ps...Happy Independence Day!!!

The pros of eating in on vacation.....

Hello again...wow this is two days straight...I was just about to take an evening nap, because it takes a lot of energy to walk down and play in the sand and sun and to be a beach bum, then I decided I had something to say! I want to hear your pros and cons of eating in on vacation, while your thinking I will tell you mine. Tonight we had taco salad, and left-overs from last two nights. Spaghetti, hamburgers, and a few extras. I'm sure we have saved some money with buying groceries when we got here. Enough to last all week- (im not saying we haven't been back to get a few things). If I had went out to eat, I would have needed to get dressed and while swim wear is allowed in restaurants, its not my cup of tea. I'm more of a pj girl!!! I know I would never wear my swimsuit to Walmart at home. Although I did wear my pj pants one night to Walmart, they were snowman, you think anybody noticed?...lol! Another pro is, you can please picky eaters without it costing an arm and a leg, and if they change their mind well...it still want cost you and arm and leg, more than once because you already paid it at the grocery store. The tv is on any channel, or not if you prefer, conversation is good as you want it to be, without the smell of things your picky eater doesn't like but most of all its just your family and your pj's!! lol!!

When vacation gives you lemons you make lemonaide.....

Hello world...its been a while since i felt i needed to vent, I don't need to vent today either, just wanted to share our vacation experience with you so far. This vacation we had decided to try some place new, like Destine. I had heard so many great things about it, we just knew we had to give it a whirl ourselves. We booked thru bookit, which has always been great, no problems. Only this time we thought we were getting a condo on the beach, (directly on the beach) not so!! The pool was a beauty if you like pools, the fold out bed was horrid, Sarah hasn't stopped talking about yet! Said she's never going back, Richard said he would go back when he was a grown-up and could ride his motorcycle!..LOL! Luckily the resort people were willing to move us to another resort...in pcb! Which is awesome!! It's our favorite place to be...which is why I'm wondering why we even thought about going somewhere different?! Last night was our first night in pcb and we are sure to enjoy the rest of the week...I was able to be a lazy beach bum today it was awesome....beach therapy goes a long way in curing whatever ails you!!! :) 

The joys of being home...

As most of you know we came home Wednesday and the feeling was over the moon. I love my family so much and no matter how messy my house is home is where I like to be. We all do.  Thursday was also great, I felt like I could do anything, I was wonder woman and a chef all rolled into one. But once I stopped, it was down hill from there. Friday I was able to spend lots of time with my son, even if part of that day was at the dentist. Sarah went to dance class and we took dad out for a birthday dinner. Now today is a whole new ballgame. I felt like something the cat drug-up and I'm sure all those late nights at the hospital has caused my sleep to be turn up side down, so I've pretty much spent lots of time sleeping today. That's good and bad. I really want to make church  tomorrow and we are having our Mother's Day cookout tomorrow. Seriously I need church!! Any way I believe I'm (also Sarah) getting over the hospital stay. All it took was sleep, good food, (that I cooked) broom, pledge, (LOL), country music, and my favorite men in my life that we missed so much!! Sarah had a good day today learning to shoot her pink gun. Yep, its pink! All in all its been good days home so far. And we have a wonderful week ahead of us...

less than 24 hours and counting...

You know what's weird? When we are home, I find myself thinking about staying at the hospital, I know that's crazy. Why would I want to be here when we can be at home with Dad and brother. However this is our home away from home, and while we really don't like being here the fact of the matter is, we will be here through out the year. On a good note Sarah gained 2lbs. this week, it must have been all the cheese balls, because the bucket was full when my mom brought it 2 days ago. I mean it was a BIG bucket, the bad news is I'm sure I gained too. And I didn't even eat but a hand full of cheese balls. It must have been the cookies...lol! I'm thinking you might have guessed the diet crashed and burned...again!! That's ok, I will start over. Sarah received 17 cards in the mail today, yes I said 17- that kept her busy for a while. I know there are a lot of people praying for Sarah. I am thankful for prayer warriors. I know this is not the best 'blog'...but who's to say what a 'best blog' is. Its just what's on my mind. I really don't feel like I have anything else since I poured my heart out the other day about my feelings. Although am looking forward to the humm of the dish washer and the dryer running with no breaks in between, then there's the washer with its squeaky belt but who cares, because it washes my clothes just fine. Yes it will be great to be home. With the candles lit and smelling good and my clothes that are waiting to be folded....OMGosh...I just got a thought of the blue chair...Goal: don't sit in blue chair before the chores...or they will never get done...lol...

Me and God...

I'm sure as a daughter I've at some point in my life disappointed my parents, after all I did survive the teenage years, right? They still love me though and I love them too, so much. And I know as a child of God I've have disappointed him too. But he still loves me and I love him. The only difference is I'm mad. I say all the right things, and even try and do the right things. But it's like I don't really believe it. I guess you could say my faith is weak. I know the Lord said he would never put more on us than we can bare, but its so hard to watch your baby fight cancer once and then again. I wonder what I ever did, to make him mad at me. I've always tried to live for him and praise him (maybe not in my teenage years), my Nanny said it happens to the best people. The people that live for him and love him. I know their are different kinds of people in the world, people that abandon their sweet kids, or just don't care about them, the people on drugs, and the people who are lost without God. I try and find the big picture but I cant see it and never will. I don't have the peace about Sarah that I once had. I'm afraid to believe, I'm afraid to believe that she is going to be OK. Sometimes I feel like I'm on borrowed time, I guess we all are. But this is our normal, and I realized the other day after talking with someone down here, that compared to some kids Sarah has it made. That's saying a lot. I just want to be able to believe in God again. I want to feel his arms around me and know he's there. I do love him, but it's hard to pray too. There fore hard to ask forgiveness for being mad at him. I'm awful!! Or just feel that way...pray for me!! If you have encouraging words for me, do tell!

The unexplainable...

I was just in the family room here on Aflac and was talking to a lady, I really had to pay attention to what she was saying, because she had an accent. Then a feeling of da ja vu came over me, and I'm thinking wait a minute I've had this conversation before, with the same lady, same talk, and about the same thing. You may know how to explain it but I don't. And yes it was the first time I had ever met her!!  I also don't know how to explain to my 11yr old Sarah, that sometimes just because we already been through cancer once we have to do it again. When she is here begging to go home and crying saying "I can't take it anymore, please I want to go home." That's when I can't take it either. Because I turned down learning to be a nurse in 1 hour, knowing even I did It for Sarah's own good. Anyway the doctor had a talk with her yesterday about not wanting to take her medicine, because of stubbornness, (which I feel is misplaced, she needs to use it in other places like for her fight) he didn't say that, I did. However if she wants control over this situation any, then she has to take her meds, so that she want have a tube in her nose and the doctor putting it in for her. She can control that! Only God is in control and while I don't understand and wont ever...the strong will survive, we are God's children and when Sarah is grown she will have a great testimony for him. I sometimes say all the right things and I question myself and God, I'm only human though. It's just so hard to lean on him when I'm mad. One day I'm gonna tell you how I really feel, maybe If I tell all I can sort through my feelings and feel closer to God again. I want to feel him by my side. I know he is there, I want to feel him with his arms around me, and his sweet peace!....Once again..I got off track....

our week at CHOA

Well we have made it from Friday to Friday and we will make it to Wednesday with a partial smile on our faces. Will we cry? Yes! Are we homesick? Yes! That just means we will enjoy our time at home with brother and daddy that much more. Here's a recap of our week- we finished our (not really our) radiation this week and dont have to go back for 6 months. Yay!! That's the good news, the bad news was Sarah tested positive for an infection, which is now gone thanks to the wonderful world of medicine. However we must stay here unless I want to be taught how to become a 'home nurse' in 1hour, which i don't, I had rather us stay here, with true professionals that know exactly what they are doing without ...guessing, which that would be me. Even if it requires shedding a few tears daily. We are strong girls, at least Sarah is I have to give myself a strong pep-talk daily, lucky for me Sarah was born with a wonderful stubborn streak that im very thankful for!! ...Most of the time...lol! Ok ...all the time. Besides she keeps me on my toes. Another bit of good news is doctors are rethinking Sarah's chemo schedule which is good, hopefully due to a break between cycles, she will have time to build her counts up, and have some kind of fun outside the hospital...fun in the sun, being with friends and her favorite cousins is what she loves to do, oh yeah...and sing karaoke ....it would seem i got off track as usual with the story of our week at CHOA, but be thankful because it spared you from hearing how much we cried and how homesick we are...til next time...

why losing weight is so hard...

#1 Nothing in life is never easy. If it was easy to lose weight nobody would be fluffy we would all be skinny and be supermodels. After all its not like we want to be fluffy...well I don't know a little fluff is good. Anyway...
#2 You have to be in the right frame of mind. It's hard to get there sometimes because its not as if you are really going to lose enough weight (and not gain it back) in two weeks with some wonderful pill or a drink. Not me anyway. No for me its a life changing experience. Why should we have to change our life? All for losing weight!
#3 When you are in a situation that's not remotely close to normal, like say you have one child at home and the other one has a home away from home (at CHOA) you cant be in two places at once. I'm not a cartoon and cant split myself down the middle. But if i were...no that's another story for another time.
# 4 Being a comfort eater is never good...if I'm stressed I'm eating, if I'm tired and want to go to bed and can't I eat instead. Food is wonderful. If its used the right way, Eat to Live not Live to Eat! A wise person once told me that. When I use food for comfort it only last a short time, that's why it's time to change my way of thinking.
# 5 Speaking of unusual circumstances the people at CHOA are so wonderful and the volunteers are also wonderful, they really think of the families here. Bringing breakfast some days or donuts or lunch or supper. It's really hard to turn away and just say no!  And our wonderful family and our preacher that said I'm coming to see you guys can I bring you something to eat? Today It's Zaxbys. Yes I'm eating. Its not chicken its cheddar bites, just not mine and Sarah's, I'm eating only mine. And lots of water. Thats a start right?!  I can do it!! Always remembering that its not easy its something you have to work at and the reward will be great!  Tune in next time for the positive side of losing weight!!

My second day on my diet...well almost...

Yesterday was going to be the day I changed my life!! I got up and was real gung-oh, I took my shower and got ready for my day! I was really gonna do amazing things...I fixed myself a diet coke because I really need my caffeine and my fizz first thing in the morning. I was doing good with my diet coke and fiber one bar. Then Sarah ask if I would warm the pizza she had the previous night...that's when things started to go bad. I thought well just a bite- besides its just bread and cheese, and the sauce I added was free on the weight watchers plan. And if you have ever watched and heard how the stars lose weight they say chocolate everyday is good for you. Is it in the form of chocolate cake?? Hummm...I wonder? Besides I didn't need that chocolate cake around for another day to look at! I call that thinking ahead! LOL!! You know what i need after chocolate cake something salty, just to get the sweet out of my mouth!! So by now I'm guessing you know it went down hill after that second bite of pizza because its salty...on the upside of my first day I did drink water for the rest of the day and lots of it!! That's a plus right?? Now keep in mind I didn't say my eating was good for the rest of the day...however today is a whole new day!! And I've started it just right...with a diet coke and a fiber one bar...

would you follow me?...

Just a question..would you follow me? why? Have you ever seen the movie Julie and Juliet?? I have only watched half of it, and can never seem to pick up where I left off. However I got the part about Julie blogging about cooking, so I'm asking you if you would follow me and my weight loss? Don't worry you haven't missed anything. Mom said the other day, "I thought you were going on a diet today?" I said, "I was but I forgot." How in the world can you forget you were going on a diet? Besides It's more than going on a diet its a life changing plan. So I was thinking If I go on a life changing experience and blog about it I will have lots of ears wanting to know if it works. I can also vent on bad days, and I know there will be bad days, everybody has them. Even if they don't admit it. I know it will be hard, its always hard here in the hospital, because I don't want to do anything but eat. Yep I'm a comfort eater. Its terrible. So I'm asking if you will follow me? Be sure and post your comments...don't be afraid, honey if I can do it you can.

...ambulance ride anyone??

Our first ambulance ride..(well that we remember). We (Sarah and I) are having a vacation, thats what I'm  telling myself this week. LOL! Besides all I have to do is close my eyes and picture myself on the beach... so we are at scottish rite, our home away from home, and we need to get to Egleston for radiation treatment. To do that,  they transport you aka ambulance ride.
We climb in the back, I climb Sarah is on the stretcher, no walking or climbing required! You know me, well some of you do, and I am not letting my child ride in the back by herself with a stranger! Just because he is wearing a uniform with his name on it! ...Or so i thought! About half way to the other hospital, I said, "Sarah how are you making it?" "I'm fine mama." I'm thinking of course you are, you can see out the window...and I'm thinking oh my gosh could we please hurry and get there I think I'm gonna be sick! I never did throw up...and I'm so glad, that would have been embarrassing!! Needless to say I was so glad when i could put my feet on the ground! And as it turns out I did let Sarah ride in the back by herself with just the man in uniform with his name on it. Besides I had nothing to worry about, because by the time we got back Sarah had a new buddy and he knew all about our family!! Sarah told him, "I love to talk." I said, " her mom does too," I'm just glad when I rode shotgun I didn't turn into a backseat driver...LOL!

To all my prayer warriors...believing in the power of prayer...

Hello to All, I assume someone is actually reading this..Sarah's day started kinda rough, but i can happily say i think we are gonna end this day on a good note. Her grandparents and preacher and his wife came. I really had to be on my best behavior at that time...LOL! Anyway my mom brought her some Micky D's and she ate that then ask for a coke- not that she drank it all. Its a start anyway. She even talked to everybody and called her friends on the phone today. So i know she is feeling better. I know its gonna be one day at a time and will take a lot of time and time in hospital to get her well, but that's OK we (she) has fought cancer and won before with God's help and i know she will do it again! I am willing to do whatever it takes. I believe in the power of prayer and God's healing power! Goodnight all!!

R U all Ears?...

I need to vent...Sarah started running a fever last night, we came to the hospital to find out she was dehydrated and low white blood counts, upset stomach..the typical reaction to chemo. It was 5am when we finally got a room, by that time i had been up 24hours.  And couldn't wait to lay my head on my pillow even if i couldn't have my own bed. Anyway today has been rather trying because Sarah bless her feels terrible and of course I'd rather be at home or on PCB, that would be even better. However I am willing to do whatever it takes for her and my family, always!! So I'm just asking you to pray for me and my family! Hopefully Sarah's counts will come up and i will find the rest of my patience because i usually have plenty in leeps and bounds, but at the same time I am human...

day 3 of chemo..

 Both mom and myself over slept this morning. Traffic was bad and we were 15 minutes late today, making me wonder am I going to be 15 minutes late all day?! in spite of all that, we still managed to get Rich to school on time today. I am happy to say Sarah is still doing well..and yes I'm still afraid to say, "no she is not sick." because I'm afraid then she will be. However i think she is doing well, she came in this morning after being accessed and said, "can i go back to my game now?" So she pulls her pole behind her, the only time she looks like she don't feel good is when you say, " Sarah we really need to start on your homework." Thats when she grumbles and immediately goes down hill. LOL!! But lets face it...homework is like housework nobody wants to do it!!  Now she is eating extreme sour strips while i myself is eating way more calories than i could possibly need!! What is it about hospitals that make you want to eat anyway??  The hospital itself has an exercise room, but its so hard to chose to workout when eating a chocolate chip cookie (which is bad for your hips) seems so much more fun. and chocolate is every girls friend to a bad day, not that I'm having a bad day because I'm not. Ever heard the term if mama aint happy nobody's happy. i think same goes for your kids, i mean how could any parent be happy if their kids are not?

If I Were...

If I were...a cat..i would climb trees in the early morning light...If I were a bird i would sing to my babies while my voice carried though the night. If I were a tree my branches would sway in the wind...If i were the sun..i would shine down on you with warmth for all the day through. If I was water..I would give life to all weeds, and hydrate all flowers i could see. If i were a father..I would work to provide for you and for me. If I were a nurse... I would wear a stethoscope and listen to your heart beat and give shots with ease. If I were a beautician..u could sit in my chair and wear a black cape while your worries faded away. If I were a musician..i would play your favorite song. If I were a magician..i would pull rabbits out of hats while spinning plates and children laughed. If I were a mom...I would make you breakfast and wipe your nose, while washing your clothes. I would clean your room and wonder what surprise I would find. We would dance in the rain and swim in the summer and have snowball fights in the winter...I would dry your eyes and give hugs real tight with a kiss goodnight...yes..I'm so proud to be your mom...

day 2 of chemo..

At 15 til 7 i drag myself out of bed, and trust me when i say it was hard because i wanted to sleep til lunch or at least close to it. Took Rich to school, came home got ready for 2nd day in Atl. (this week anyway).  I could almost say Sarah was bright eyed and bushy tail, you have heard that before right? Anyway i fixed her some breakfast and she ate it..kinda surprised me, and when somebody said is she sick, i want to say no- but im afraid because what if i say no shes not sick then she gets sick..anyway she is now hooked up to the iv poll and pushing it around while she plays games, so trust me when i say the chemo as of now is not slowing her down none. which is great because she's got it in her mind she's going to dance class tonight when she gets home..and im thinking whew..when can i get a nap in?! LOL!

Friends...

What is a Friend? What makes a Friend a Friend? Are you a Friend? I want to tell you what i think a Friend is....Friends are Fabulous and are always around when you need them, and sometimes when you think you don't.  Friends are Reasonable when maybe you cant find any reason...to believe...Friends are Important and are always there in times of trouble. Friends are never Envious of you, especially when times are troublesome, because most have troubles of their own. Friends are always Nice and bring sunshine on a cloudy day, even if its just with a phone call, because your never to far away. Friends sometimes bring Drama to an ordinary day...and sometimes you have So many wonderful Friends you might wonder how you got so lucky!! Don't forget that Friends come in many forms...a sister, a mother, a pet, a father, a brother, grandparents, husband or wife, and certainly not last... God. He is always there even when we may not see, he is in the air we breathe, with his arms wrapped around you and me. He is there to dry our tears and rid us of our fears, and he loves us unconditionally. Even when there are times we don't deserve his love and understanding... as you may have already figured out by now i am truly blessed with awesome Friends in my life.

M Borders: A dirty word that starts with 'C'

M Borders: A dirty word that starts with 'C': "Know any dirty words that start with the letter C? No? Well let me spell it out to you...CANCER!!! In December of 2008 we found out that our..."

A dirty word that starts with 'C'

Know any dirty words that start with the letter C? No? Well let me spell it out to you...CANCER!!!
In December of 2008 we found out that our daughter Sarah had a mass in her leg...and in 2009 she was diagnosed with Ewings Sarcoma, its a bone cancer found in kids..it was terrible news to be heard. Nobody wants to hear that their baby has cancer!!! 
We, I say we, because even though she was the one taking treatments it was hard on everybody, our son, our marriage, but we made it through all of that. Sarah got well, and for a whole year it was great! No hospital, no chemo, no low blood counts, so, for a whole year it was wonderful! Everybody was happy and healthy!! For a year when chemo was over and all was well, we still had our routine checkups, first it was every 3 months then the doctors felt safe enough that we could start having test every 4 months.
In March of 2011 on routine checkup, there was something spotted on an xray, more test were then given. So now on 25th of March, 3 days after Sarah's lung surgery, we are back here in the hospital ...waiting for a bone scan and chemo starts in 2weeks!  With Ewings, there's was always a 20% chance it could come back, and it reeks!! My baby was in that 20%! That's why CANCER is a dirty word!! Sarah is a fighter and we will fight it again! God is still in control and his grace and mercy will help us though! Remember us when you pray...

5hours later...

Its 9 o'clock and I'm thinking..OK...is it time to 'blog' again? then i think OK this is my vent to the world...that's lots and lots of ears..can you imagine?!...well so i was on facebook reading post..and post-ing...when i decided to go back to my 'blog page' just to check to see if anybody wanted to know what i had to say...silly me! i became my own follower..lol!

I just woke up...and decided to blog...

I  had been reading other blogs..is that even what you call it? Reading other blogs? Anyway, my first thought was why should i blog? Really? will anybody want to know what i have to say? Lil'O Me..from Georgia...what could i possibly say that would interest you?
Then i decided to just give it a whirl, besides if nothing else i could just vent! it would be like someone was actually listening besides my friends and family, yes, i could vent to the world!!
Little did i know that i would spend 3hours, yes i said 3hours, creating my page. still i wonder..did i do it right? does it look ok? did i miss something?..after all that i decided it was enough for now...
so now i can start blogging...humm...now what do i do? do they make a book...how to blog for dummies?!...lol
my luck is ...yes they probably do...then i would have to read it and i would fall asleep on the first page...this comes from somebody who loves to read..just nothing good for me...i just read for fun...