The joys of being home...

As most of you know we came home Wednesday and the feeling was over the moon. I love my family so much and no matter how messy my house is home is where I like to be. We all do.  Thursday was also great, I felt like I could do anything, I was wonder woman and a chef all rolled into one. But once I stopped, it was down hill from there. Friday I was able to spend lots of time with my son, even if part of that day was at the dentist. Sarah went to dance class and we took dad out for a birthday dinner. Now today is a whole new ballgame. I felt like something the cat drug-up and I'm sure all those late nights at the hospital has caused my sleep to be turn up side down, so I've pretty much spent lots of time sleeping today. That's good and bad. I really want to make church  tomorrow and we are having our Mother's Day cookout tomorrow. Seriously I need church!! Any way I believe I'm (also Sarah) getting over the hospital stay. All it took was sleep, good food, (that I cooked) broom, pledge, (LOL), country music, and my favorite men in my life that we missed so much!! Sarah had a good day today learning to shoot her pink gun. Yep, its pink! All in all its been good days home so far. And we have a wonderful week ahead of us...

less than 24 hours and counting...

You know what's weird? When we are home, I find myself thinking about staying at the hospital, I know that's crazy. Why would I want to be here when we can be at home with Dad and brother. However this is our home away from home, and while we really don't like being here the fact of the matter is, we will be here through out the year. On a good note Sarah gained 2lbs. this week, it must have been all the cheese balls, because the bucket was full when my mom brought it 2 days ago. I mean it was a BIG bucket, the bad news is I'm sure I gained too. And I didn't even eat but a hand full of cheese balls. It must have been the cookies...lol! I'm thinking you might have guessed the diet crashed and burned...again!! That's ok, I will start over. Sarah received 17 cards in the mail today, yes I said 17- that kept her busy for a while. I know there are a lot of people praying for Sarah. I am thankful for prayer warriors. I know this is not the best 'blog'...but who's to say what a 'best blog' is. Its just what's on my mind. I really don't feel like I have anything else since I poured my heart out the other day about my feelings. Although am looking forward to the humm of the dish washer and the dryer running with no breaks in between, then there's the washer with its squeaky belt but who cares, because it washes my clothes just fine. Yes it will be great to be home. With the candles lit and smelling good and my clothes that are waiting to be folded....OMGosh...I just got a thought of the blue chair...Goal: don't sit in blue chair before the chores...or they will never get done...lol...

Me and God...

I'm sure as a daughter I've at some point in my life disappointed my parents, after all I did survive the teenage years, right? They still love me though and I love them too, so much. And I know as a child of God I've have disappointed him too. But he still loves me and I love him. The only difference is I'm mad. I say all the right things, and even try and do the right things. But it's like I don't really believe it. I guess you could say my faith is weak. I know the Lord said he would never put more on us than we can bare, but its so hard to watch your baby fight cancer once and then again. I wonder what I ever did, to make him mad at me. I've always tried to live for him and praise him (maybe not in my teenage years), my Nanny said it happens to the best people. The people that live for him and love him. I know their are different kinds of people in the world, people that abandon their sweet kids, or just don't care about them, the people on drugs, and the people who are lost without God. I try and find the big picture but I cant see it and never will. I don't have the peace about Sarah that I once had. I'm afraid to believe, I'm afraid to believe that she is going to be OK. Sometimes I feel like I'm on borrowed time, I guess we all are. But this is our normal, and I realized the other day after talking with someone down here, that compared to some kids Sarah has it made. That's saying a lot. I just want to be able to believe in God again. I want to feel his arms around me and know he's there. I do love him, but it's hard to pray too. There fore hard to ask forgiveness for being mad at him. I'm awful!! Or just feel that way...pray for me!! If you have encouraging words for me, do tell!

The unexplainable...

I was just in the family room here on Aflac and was talking to a lady, I really had to pay attention to what she was saying, because she had an accent. Then a feeling of da ja vu came over me, and I'm thinking wait a minute I've had this conversation before, with the same lady, same talk, and about the same thing. You may know how to explain it but I don't. And yes it was the first time I had ever met her!!  I also don't know how to explain to my 11yr old Sarah, that sometimes just because we already been through cancer once we have to do it again. When she is here begging to go home and crying saying "I can't take it anymore, please I want to go home." That's when I can't take it either. Because I turned down learning to be a nurse in 1 hour, knowing even I did It for Sarah's own good. Anyway the doctor had a talk with her yesterday about not wanting to take her medicine, because of stubbornness, (which I feel is misplaced, she needs to use it in other places like for her fight) he didn't say that, I did. However if she wants control over this situation any, then she has to take her meds, so that she want have a tube in her nose and the doctor putting it in for her. She can control that! Only God is in control and while I don't understand and wont ever...the strong will survive, we are God's children and when Sarah is grown she will have a great testimony for him. I sometimes say all the right things and I question myself and God, I'm only human though. It's just so hard to lean on him when I'm mad. One day I'm gonna tell you how I really feel, maybe If I tell all I can sort through my feelings and feel closer to God again. I want to feel him by my side. I know he is there, I want to feel him with his arms around me, and his sweet peace!....Once again..I got off track....

our week at CHOA

Well we have made it from Friday to Friday and we will make it to Wednesday with a partial smile on our faces. Will we cry? Yes! Are we homesick? Yes! That just means we will enjoy our time at home with brother and daddy that much more. Here's a recap of our week- we finished our (not really our) radiation this week and dont have to go back for 6 months. Yay!! That's the good news, the bad news was Sarah tested positive for an infection, which is now gone thanks to the wonderful world of medicine. However we must stay here unless I want to be taught how to become a 'home nurse' in 1hour, which i don't, I had rather us stay here, with true professionals that know exactly what they are doing without ...guessing, which that would be me. Even if it requires shedding a few tears daily. We are strong girls, at least Sarah is I have to give myself a strong pep-talk daily, lucky for me Sarah was born with a wonderful stubborn streak that im very thankful for!! ...Most of the time...lol! Ok ...all the time. Besides she keeps me on my toes. Another bit of good news is doctors are rethinking Sarah's chemo schedule which is good, hopefully due to a break between cycles, she will have time to build her counts up, and have some kind of fun outside the hospital...fun in the sun, being with friends and her favorite cousins is what she loves to do, oh yeah...and sing karaoke ....it would seem i got off track as usual with the story of our week at CHOA, but be thankful because it spared you from hearing how much we cried and how homesick we are...til next time...